Life of debauchery

My life is a never-ending debauchery express to hell. I feel as if Satan is on my right and left shoulder most days and the only little bit of good left inside of me is powered by an underlining ulterior motive. I know there was once a pure and beautiful young girl within, I just don’t know where I went wrong and lost who I was.

was it because my mother and father separated when I was young? or the fact that I was introduced to a world of adult perversions at the age of seven? Was it because my father had trouble expressing how he felt and thought love was something you could buy? I was tortured at school and home, most of it was mental. I was always an outcast, a misfit, a loser. I always wanted to be “normal” and to fit in. But I realized in late highschool that that was not the path I was directed in.

I began dressing differently, sneaking out and drinking alcohol at the age of 13. I hung out with people who where like me. I fit in. Although the choices this group made were negative and looked down upon by societies lowest standers I found a group I belonged in. I wasnt sure if these people I was hanging out with, or the guys I was hooking up with, truly liked me but it didn’t matter. It was the closest thing to acceptance I had ever felt and I felt good…or at least I thought I did.

The truth was I didn’t except myself. I drowned my pain and sorrow with copious amounts of alcohol and dabbled in the dark world of amphetamines. I was depressed. This was the start of my endless down hill spiral to self-destruction. I would cut myself to feel a release of tension and soon started sleeping with many random men. Sometimes six in one night. I was called horrific names and still held my head high in public, acting as if the slander and personal attacks didn’t faze me. I walked through school and I felt a thousand eyes on me. Isnt that what every teenage girl wants? isn’t that what I had wished for? Yes. But when I wished upon a star for the entire school to know who I was and to look at me while I made my way through the streets or school I pictured it to be in a much more positive light.

Although I am now an adult and no longer attend school, the rumours and actions I perform havent changed. I still hang out with the misfits, still love my drugs, still get too drunk that i cant remember my name and I still look for comfort by spreading my legs to those who don’t appreciate me. Am I destined to live my life in sin? Do I want to change? I tell myself I do but I have been lying to myself and allowing others around me to fill my head with lies my entire life. was me changing my life just a lie I have concocted or is this for real?

1 week clean!

just last week I decided i need to and want to get rid of the terrible, evil crystal meth addiction I was controlled by. I had had enough and I had lost everything. My husband, my house, friendships and worst of all my son! It was a wake up call I needed. In that point of time I had two options…1. say “fuck it! I’ve lost everything. I might as well give up and continue smoking this revolting, chemical packed substance” or 2. Get off the stuff, hold my head high and fight my way to the top again. I have chosen option number 2 and I can honestly say life is a lot brighter. I have been clean for one week today! I could not be happier or prouder of myself.

This is the 3rd time I have attempted to get off the pipe, but how I see it is every time I fall back into temptation it is a lesson. eliminate those who are toxic within your life. This is hard but needs to happen in order to eliminate temptation. Dont put yourself in situations that may have a negative impact on you. This means don’t go to any place you belive there may be drugs or people who may have drugs.

At first it started off as recreational, then it became a necessity.I would be complete dead weight without some kind of opiate in my system. i was taking anywhere from 2 to 5 points a day of meth for months. each day I feel a bit better without it. Not going to lie, the restlessness still lingers as well as the occasional thought of running back to the drug. My energy level is low but I am feeling high on life. Once I past the four-day mark I felt confident that I could slay this addiction. I’ve tried in the past to go cold turkey it but I just fell back in the hole by the 3rd day (once I lasted 3 years). I thought the worse of the withdraws would be gone by the 3rd day. I was fooled, it was hell all night, up and down, kicking the blankets off and on over n over again, and some crying, ok a lot of crying. I hadn’t really been eating well either as I have no appetite. anytime I did try to eat, i was forcing it. its like i was too tired to eat or my stomach had shrunk, but I know I have to eat well to get well…I really just miss the days where I could sleep well n wake up feeling great. i miss having the energy i used to have. I miss my son!

My son is what is keeping me going on the quest of quitting and staying clean. One more week and I am able to see him. When attempting to get clean one must have goals and my goal is being able to be a part of my son’s life. This doesn’t mean once I get to see him that I will go out and smoke. This is just my first goal I have set myself. My next goal after that is finding a house or flat to move into. I can’t continue to live in a motel. Motels are for junkies, hookers, people just out of jail, cheaters and of cause if you are having a holiday. Since i am neither of those things and I am unfortunately not on holiday I think it is time to pack up and move out.

The future is looking up and I must say its a lot brighter up there.

Breakdown and Breakups 1

The day I had admitted my addiction for the first time was a day I will never forget and hope never to forget. It was the day I let not everybody else close to me down, but myself down too. The thing about being a slave to the pipe is you constantly let yourself down and the worst part of it all is that the longer you let yourself down others close tend to become distant. If somebody is negative and toxic you are more likely to walk away and if you don’t walk away you too have the risk of being infected.

I was coming down. The last 3 days were the worst days of my life (and I was in labour four years earlier with my son for four!) I was sick, physically and mentally. I was hearing things and had extreme paranoia. My stomach hurt so much, I hadn’t eaten in the last few days. I had an itch that covered my entire body. It was so intense that I wanted to cut my skin off. A guy once described the itch, saying it felt like you had an itchy bite on the bottom of your foot and you were trying to scratch it while wearing a shoe. There was no sensation. I was irritable and every single little sound or everything somebody did annoyed me.

My now, husband of 3 months had had no idea that I had been smoking meth and today there was no hiding it. The comedown was horrific. He took me to my mothers. I don’t recall why. I don’t recall if it was to confess my addiction or what the purpose was. All I knew was i needed another hit and I needed it 2 days ago.

When we pulled up to my mums house I saw my friend J. (She had also been seeing my little brother at the time) J knew that I had been smoking ice for a month previous. She found out because we were both at my dealer, T’s house one day at the same time. T sold two things mainly, pot and ice. J knew very well that I didn’t smoke pot so I must have been there for ice.

I needed to get a hit and I knew J would take me.

***

“Please T” I begged. “I cant do this. Please!” Tears ran down my face in desperation. My dealer, my friend just stood in front of me with sadness in his eyes and shook his head. Three days earlier he had cut me off because he didn’t want to see me turn into what he had become. A fean to the pipe. A low life junkie. He cared. A meth dealer and addict with compassion? yes it was true. Possibly the only one, but im grateful I had found that one.

“I’m sorry. You will feel better in a few days and you will thank me for it. Trust me.” he told me as he hugged me tightly and I continued to cry and left tears upon his shirt.

“Just the littlest bit? Please T?”

“No.” he answered quietly finding it difficult to see me in this state.

My friend, J pulled me away as my husband came driving down the driveway.

“This isn’t fair!” I yelled at nobody in particular.

My husband said my name calmly to break me from whatever world I was drifting off into, as he pulled up next to us “If you care at all for this marriage, you will get into this car.”

I stood there looking at him for what seemed forever and then glanced at T. I hesitated. Thoughts ran through my mind at million miles per hour. Questions and consequences also filled my head. What was the point in staying at T’s. I felt so stupid for going out there and knew very well that he didn’t want me there. J told me to get in the car. All of their voices were calm, unlike mine or me at all for that matter. As I opened the door to the car I saw the expression on everybody’s faces. They were all looks of concern and disappointment. A look I knew far to well of late. A look I should have taken as a warning a few weeks ago.

As my husband drove out of the driveway he told me that he had called the police and informed them what activities had been taking place at T’s.

“He will be raided.” I said sharply. I couldn’t do anything but scream at the top of my lungs. “NNNNOOOO! You can’t do that!” I quickly wound my window down to warn T. “GET OUT! GET OUT! The police are coming!” I must have sounded like a crazy person. The sad truth was I had turned into one.

“SHUT UP! Just shut the fuck up!” Chris (my husband) yelled at me as he wound my window up and locked them so I couldn’t scream out. In a panic I began to call T on my phone. Chris lent over trying his best to obtain my phone using one hand, as well as trying to control the car with the other hand.

“T! Your going to be raided! Get out!” I continued to yell, not knowing if the call was yet connected. Chris managed to snatch the phone out of my hands. My heart was racing and I couldn’t control myself. In desperation to save T I had opened the car door and attempted to jump out of the moving vehicle.

Chris pulled over immediately and held my arm tightly.

“Let go! Youre hurting me! LET ME FUCKING GO!” I continued to yelled hysterically.

J pulled up in her car behind Chris and helped him get me back into the car.

“Please J. Dont do this. Please. Chris told the cops. T will be raided. Please J. j!” I begged. j didn’t say anything in response to my petty begging. Instead she stayed calm and again shut the door and walked away.

This time Chris locked the door. All the way back into town, I yelled abuse at my husband. Meanwhile he stayed completely calm.

***

The begining

I was ready to marry the man I have made a life with, the father of my four year old child, my mr right. We had been together for eight years and within those years we faced good times and bad, but not as bad as what was going to come.

I have always had an issue with how I look and my weight. To everybody else I am by no means “fat” but that is not what i saw when I stood in front of a mirror. I saw nothing but fat. I didn’t want to be the fat bride and I didn’t want to make my husband ashamed of me. Of course this was all in my head but I was determined to lose weight and lose it fast.

I was going to the gym, had a personal trainer and started to watch what I ate and counted calories. But no matter what I did I didn’t see the results quick enough. I only had just over two months to go till I walked down the aisle.

I got a call from an old friend saying he had a gift for me and to meet up. I knew very well that this person was a dealer and I knew very well that what he had would make me lose what I needed to lose and it would be lost quickly. This was the first step to my downward spiral of self-destruction. This wasnt the first time I had taken crystal meth aka ice. But I was desperate to be thin.

Two days past and I had my first come down. I felt tired and irritated. I hadn’t eaten or slept much in those two days. I found myself calling up my friend for another hit. I continued this process for another two weeks. I didn’t realize I was addicted till I found myself dropping my son off to his grandmothers (my mum) just so I could sit in a shed with low lives, smoking ice.Nobody knew I was addicted either. I tried my very best to hide it. I just had to be on it all the time in order for me to do so. My dealer/friend started giving it to me for free and I even began running drugs for him.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into but at the time I believed I had everything under control…