To Ease The Pain Of The Past

As we sit in a room shut off from society, borded up windows, old musk smelling lounges and nothing but a bottle of water, pen and paper on a table. We all sit anxiously as the little bag filled with the chemical infused substance is bought out along with a glass pipe. Our eyes widen and there is a slight sparkle just like a child on christmas. We are all craving a hit to keep us going for the next 12 hours. living day by day, hour by hour wanting more and more, never having enough to keep each and everybody satisfied. Within an hour $300 is gone as fast as it arived.

The conversations start, turning into a deep dark confession session where nothing is judged and there is no right or wrong. This is followed by triggers of emotions coming to the serfice of each of us. Evil has raised its ugly head. peaceful, friendly conversations, supporting one another and being as a one happy family turns sour as we all come down. Aggression and hate, survival instinct. We need meth.

Images of a zombie apocalypse or starving ethiopians come to mind. All fighting for the one thing to get us through. Its desterbing and hard to comprehend. What went so terribly wrong for us all to be in this possistion? I was happy, married, had a loving family, great loyal friends and a job. I lived in a beautiful house and my husband bought in enough money to keep us living a comfortable lifestyle. What went wrong? Why did I do it?

I started smoking meth to lose weight. I continued because it stopped the pain. A few months before I was engaged I was faced with a monster I hadnt heard or seen in years. The man that had molested me as a child. My mums ex boyfriend.

“There is a guy at mine and he knows your family. He knows your dad, your real dad!” My friend had told me. She didnt know what his name was. All she knew was that her boyfriend’s friend bought this man over and he knew me and my family. Nobody that lives in my small town knows my real dad unless they are bad news. I was curious. “He said you are a slut” my friend told me, this is something that doesn’t shock me as I was promiscuous in my younger days. I walked in with my son by my side and saw him sitting, smiling a grin only a predator would grin.

My heart skipped a beat, my throat felt tight and my stomach dropped. My face would have looked shocked. I felt sick and I walked out. Nobody knew my secret except my fiance and my mum. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I went to my mothers and told her that this pig was in town. She brushed it under the rug “Hope he leaves as quick as he came” and nothing else was said. This broke me. My soon to be husband took a stand and went looking for him, but it was too late, the horrible beast had left.

Months went past and I was planing my wedding. It was time to make the decision about the roles in my wedding. I called my father (a man i dont have a very loving relationship with).”Would you like to walk me down the isle or should i do it myself. I have already given myself to my fiance by giving him our son” I said. After coping abuse my father hung up. For weeks and weeks I tried to call asking him to walk me down. However there was no answer. I asked if he was coming to my wedding. “I dont see why I would” was his reply.

That was all i could cope with… My heart was broken. Nothing eased the pain untill i was introduced to the pipe and the “friends” the people who “stuck by me” the people I saw as “family”

The Affect on Others!

It is almost Christmas, only a few days away and as usual at this time of year things usually become stressful and financial difficulties tend to arise. These things along with everything else that has been happening in my life over the past few months is causing me to feel like giving up. It has been a tough week for me. The realization that my life is in shambles has hit me hard. Not only has my life been turned up side down but so has the life of the people around me. My addiction, although I am clean now, hasn’t just affected me but also affected these people I hold close to me.

This week my husband had to move out of the house he was living in due to the sale of the property. This also meant that my son had to move too. Already I had exited his life because of my meth addiction and my outrageous mood changes and abuse. Then his cat died suspiciously after a fight I had with junkies that lived next door to my husband and my son, this fight was extremely confronting for me not to mention a 4 year old. My husband then got the notice that he had to move in 3 weeks, 6 days before Christmas they had to move. The reason behind the sale was because of the drama within the shared property. (it was a property with 3 houses on it) The drama was caused by come downs of meth from both me and the neighbours over the past months. My son and husband had no place to move into. My son was confused. He had never moved before. he asked with tears streaming down his face why his things were being thrown away. They weren’t, we were just packing. Then the questions about where the new house arose and unfortunately we were unable to tell him because the fact that there was no house.

Luckily my mother in law lives half an hour away and he is currently living with her and her partner. However my husband was unable to live there because it was too far from work. This caused more stress on our son. he had now lost his father as well. he feels abandoned and confused by everybody and blames himself. He is only 4! He had no Christmas tree to decorate and no presents waiting for him. He has lost his mother, father, house and pet. My heart is torn into pieces and he calls me in tears wanting me to come back, asking me for hugs. I feel hopeless and regret everything I did to lead up to this childs world of heartache and destruction bought on by my actions and selfish decisions.

I am the cause of these problems. I hurt my child emotionally. Something a mother is meant to save a child from and I created it. Meth has destroyed this innocent persons life. It destroyed my life and my marriage. I have put unnecessary responsibility onto my mother in law and my sister in law.

Meth doesnt just have an affect on the addict but it really does affect others.

Life of debauchery

My life is a never-ending debauchery express to hell. I feel as if Satan is on my right and left shoulder most days and the only little bit of good left inside of me is powered by an underlining ulterior motive. I know there was once a pure and beautiful young girl within, I just don’t know where I went wrong and lost who I was.

was it because my mother and father separated when I was young? or the fact that I was introduced to a world of adult perversions at the age of seven? Was it because my father had trouble expressing how he felt and thought love was something you could buy? I was tortured at school and home, most of it was mental. I was always an outcast, a misfit, a loser. I always wanted to be “normal” and to fit in. But I realized in late highschool that that was not the path I was directed in.

I began dressing differently, sneaking out and drinking alcohol at the age of 13. I hung out with people who where like me. I fit in. Although the choices this group made were negative and looked down upon by societies lowest standers I found a group I belonged in. I wasnt sure if these people I was hanging out with, or the guys I was hooking up with, truly liked me but it didn’t matter. It was the closest thing to acceptance I had ever felt and I felt good…or at least I thought I did.

The truth was I didn’t except myself. I drowned my pain and sorrow with copious amounts of alcohol and dabbled in the dark world of amphetamines. I was depressed. This was the start of my endless down hill spiral to self-destruction. I would cut myself to feel a release of tension and soon started sleeping with many random men. Sometimes six in one night. I was called horrific names and still held my head high in public, acting as if the slander and personal attacks didn’t faze me. I walked through school and I felt a thousand eyes on me. Isnt that what every teenage girl wants? isn’t that what I had wished for? Yes. But when I wished upon a star for the entire school to know who I was and to look at me while I made my way through the streets or school I pictured it to be in a much more positive light.

Although I am now an adult and no longer attend school, the rumours and actions I perform havent changed. I still hang out with the misfits, still love my drugs, still get too drunk that i cant remember my name and I still look for comfort by spreading my legs to those who don’t appreciate me. Am I destined to live my life in sin? Do I want to change? I tell myself I do but I have been lying to myself and allowing others around me to fill my head with lies my entire life. was me changing my life just a lie I have concocted or is this for real?