Last Chance

So here I am…AGAIN. I have relapsed that many times that it is becoming ridiculous. however this time is different. my reasons for quitting are different and I am feeling stronger than before. This time I am quitting for myself and nobody else. Yes i am selfish but this time im selfish for all the right reasons. This is why this time is different.

I have seen addiction from another perspective. somebody i had considered to be a close friend, one of my closest chose the drug meth over me. He was meant to come visit, take a 5 minute detour home to pop by and say hello, to simply catch up however he chose to spent time with his pipe, with crystal instead. t was heartbreaking to have that happen. But i had done the exact same thing time and time again and lied about it to my friends and family, over and over. at least this friend didnt lie. He never lied.

Then in the same week just a few days apart I had to call the ambulance to take my friend to hospital as a result of drugs ruining a lovely, caring, giving friend. I was worried for his mental health after he had been awake for days on end. Normally it meant simply falling asleep and eating and the user be good as new the following day, but this time was different, he didnt come good. I was left with no choice.

Just a few weeks before this I was the one that was being put into the mental health loony bin. I was psycodic and was on a mission to chop up the guy that first gave me meth after it was confirmed that he had sexually molested his own daughter. This wasnt who I was, I would never inflict pain on anybody no matter what they have done. I had become a monster. My partner was the one to call the police to remove me from my home. Removing my friend showed me how my partner had felt. It was heartbreaking also.

Then there was the fit. I dont suffer from anything in order to cause fits. I strongly believe it was from the high dosage of the drug, ice that caused me to have a seizure. I was using half a gram to a gram a day! I worked it out to be a $140,000 habit. I had lost a shocking about of weight, 15kg, in just as little as a month.

All situations had led me to the decision that I had to quit and quit for good. It hasnt been easy. In fact it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do.

At first I had felt figgity and anxious. I had also gone to my very first NA meeting. It gave me hope and at last I felt human again compared to me usual monster self I had become. I had also felt as if i was infected with the flu. Everything ached and there was no position that felt comfortable. The worst stage was day 5 off the drug. The day where meth had officially vanished from my system and my body had gone into shock. I become extremely anxious, uncomfortable, mad at everything and anything and ended up smashing whatever glass i had in the house. This is the day i went to the hospital for anti psychotic medication. The next 2 days i was lethargic and slept most of the day. I have now gained a little energy and forced myself to do things.

I couldnt have done it without the help and patience of my partner and family. It has also been there problem along the way and no matter how much grief i selfishly put them through, they have stuck by me and that has been the most amazing gift of medication and support an addict needs.

To Ease The Pain Of The Past

As we sit in a room shut off from society, borded up windows, old musk smelling lounges and nothing but a bottle of water, pen and paper on a table. We all sit anxiously as the little bag filled with the chemical infused substance is bought out along with a glass pipe. Our eyes widen and there is a slight sparkle just like a child on christmas. We are all craving a hit to keep us going for the next 12 hours. living day by day, hour by hour wanting more and more, never having enough to keep each and everybody satisfied. Within an hour $300 is gone as fast as it arived.

The conversations start, turning into a deep dark confession session where nothing is judged and there is no right or wrong. This is followed by triggers of emotions coming to the serfice of each of us. Evil has raised its ugly head. peaceful, friendly conversations, supporting one another and being as a one happy family turns sour as we all come down. Aggression and hate, survival instinct. We need meth.

Images of a zombie apocalypse or starving ethiopians come to mind. All fighting for the one thing to get us through. Its desterbing and hard to comprehend. What went so terribly wrong for us all to be in this possistion? I was happy, married, had a loving family, great loyal friends and a job. I lived in a beautiful house and my husband bought in enough money to keep us living a comfortable lifestyle. What went wrong? Why did I do it?

I started smoking meth to lose weight. I continued because it stopped the pain. A few months before I was engaged I was faced with a monster I hadnt heard or seen in years. The man that had molested me as a child. My mums ex boyfriend.

“There is a guy at mine and he knows your family. He knows your dad, your real dad!” My friend had told me. She didnt know what his name was. All she knew was that her boyfriend’s friend bought this man over and he knew me and my family. Nobody that lives in my small town knows my real dad unless they are bad news. I was curious. “He said you are a slut” my friend told me, this is something that doesn’t shock me as I was promiscuous in my younger days. I walked in with my son by my side and saw him sitting, smiling a grin only a predator would grin.

My heart skipped a beat, my throat felt tight and my stomach dropped. My face would have looked shocked. I felt sick and I walked out. Nobody knew my secret except my fiance and my mum. I couldn’t hold back the tears. I went to my mothers and told her that this pig was in town. She brushed it under the rug “Hope he leaves as quick as he came” and nothing else was said. This broke me. My soon to be husband took a stand and went looking for him, but it was too late, the horrible beast had left.

Months went past and I was planing my wedding. It was time to make the decision about the roles in my wedding. I called my father (a man i dont have a very loving relationship with).”Would you like to walk me down the isle or should i do it myself. I have already given myself to my fiance by giving him our son” I said. After coping abuse my father hung up. For weeks and weeks I tried to call asking him to walk me down. However there was no answer. I asked if he was coming to my wedding. “I dont see why I would” was his reply.

That was all i could cope with… My heart was broken. Nothing eased the pain untill i was introduced to the pipe and the “friends” the people who “stuck by me” the people I saw as “family”

Time To Pull My Head In

I am over a month clean and I have to say I am viewing the world in a much more positive way and with a much more open mind. I realize i have come a long way and i wish to keep it that way. i can now look back at who i was and have a look at the people i was spending my time with and see how horrific my life was only 3 to 4 months ago. I didn’t have anything. i lost my husband, my child, my home, my friends and my sanity and self worth. Today I still have no husband, no child in my care, no home, little friends (you tend to find who the real ones are in a situation like this) I am slowly gaining my self worth and as for sanity…I don’t think anybody is truly sane. But i do have strength, determination, a plan and the fact that I can say I am clean. Thats the best thing of all.

I am now able to see my son without supervision, he was even able to sleep over! He has kept me strong throughout this facade and he may never know that he saved his mother from self destruction. My son is truly my hero in this story. A young boy  can hold so much power and so much responsibility and is completely and utterly oblivious to this. Nothing could make me more motivated than listening to his voice and looking into his bright eyes.

In my opinion recovery is not just getting clean, but to build your entire life from scratch. When I lost everything as a result of my addiction I was determined to gain it all back, maybe even become better and stronger than before. Getting clean is just a small step. My next step is to gain employment. I am hoping this will be easy considering it is coming up to the christmas holidays and i live in a tourist destination. i am also showering daily and presenting my self better than i was when on the pipe.

My second plan of attack is to get a place to call home. I am a prisoner in a cheap and nasty motel in the ghetto. i use the word prisoner not only because the room I live in is the size of a jail cell (ok maybe its a bit bigger) but because the place is also guarded by low lives and prostitutes. It is hard to leave the room without being asked where I am going or if I have a spare cigarette. I once even got asked if I was available for “paid enjoyment” I quickly explained to him that I was not a working girl and i didn’t do “paid enjoyment”. I also need a 2 bedroom place in order to have full care of my son. YES! I will be able to have him back in my care!

In conclusion I will no longer settle for less and I am on my way back to the top.

Its time for recovery!

1 week clean!

just last week I decided i need to and want to get rid of the terrible, evil crystal meth addiction I was controlled by. I had had enough and I had lost everything. My husband, my house, friendships and worst of all my son! It was a wake up call I needed. In that point of time I had two options…1. say “fuck it! I’ve lost everything. I might as well give up and continue smoking this revolting, chemical packed substance” or 2. Get off the stuff, hold my head high and fight my way to the top again. I have chosen option number 2 and I can honestly say life is a lot brighter. I have been clean for one week today! I could not be happier or prouder of myself.

This is the 3rd time I have attempted to get off the pipe, but how I see it is every time I fall back into temptation it is a lesson. eliminate those who are toxic within your life. This is hard but needs to happen in order to eliminate temptation. Dont put yourself in situations that may have a negative impact on you. This means don’t go to any place you belive there may be drugs or people who may have drugs.

At first it started off as recreational, then it became a necessity.I would be complete dead weight without some kind of opiate in my system. i was taking anywhere from 2 to 5 points a day of meth for months. each day I feel a bit better without it. Not going to lie, the restlessness still lingers as well as the occasional thought of running back to the drug. My energy level is low but I am feeling high on life. Once I past the four-day mark I felt confident that I could slay this addiction. I’ve tried in the past to go cold turkey it but I just fell back in the hole by the 3rd day (once I lasted 3 years). I thought the worse of the withdraws would be gone by the 3rd day. I was fooled, it was hell all night, up and down, kicking the blankets off and on over n over again, and some crying, ok a lot of crying. I hadn’t really been eating well either as I have no appetite. anytime I did try to eat, i was forcing it. its like i was too tired to eat or my stomach had shrunk, but I know I have to eat well to get well…I really just miss the days where I could sleep well n wake up feeling great. i miss having the energy i used to have. I miss my son!

My son is what is keeping me going on the quest of quitting and staying clean. One more week and I am able to see him. When attempting to get clean one must have goals and my goal is being able to be a part of my son’s life. This doesn’t mean once I get to see him that I will go out and smoke. This is just my first goal I have set myself. My next goal after that is finding a house or flat to move into. I can’t continue to live in a motel. Motels are for junkies, hookers, people just out of jail, cheaters and of cause if you are having a holiday. Since i am neither of those things and I am unfortunately not on holiday I think it is time to pack up and move out.

The future is looking up and I must say its a lot brighter up there.

The begining

I was ready to marry the man I have made a life with, the father of my four year old child, my mr right. We had been together for eight years and within those years we faced good times and bad, but not as bad as what was going to come.

I have always had an issue with how I look and my weight. To everybody else I am by no means “fat” but that is not what i saw when I stood in front of a mirror. I saw nothing but fat. I didn’t want to be the fat bride and I didn’t want to make my husband ashamed of me. Of course this was all in my head but I was determined to lose weight and lose it fast.

I was going to the gym, had a personal trainer and started to watch what I ate and counted calories. But no matter what I did I didn’t see the results quick enough. I only had just over two months to go till I walked down the aisle.

I got a call from an old friend saying he had a gift for me and to meet up. I knew very well that this person was a dealer and I knew very well that what he had would make me lose what I needed to lose and it would be lost quickly. This was the first step to my downward spiral of self-destruction. This wasnt the first time I had taken crystal meth aka ice. But I was desperate to be thin.

Two days past and I had my first come down. I felt tired and irritated. I hadn’t eaten or slept much in those two days. I found myself calling up my friend for another hit. I continued this process for another two weeks. I didn’t realize I was addicted till I found myself dropping my son off to his grandmothers (my mum) just so I could sit in a shed with low lives, smoking ice.Nobody knew I was addicted either. I tried my very best to hide it. I just had to be on it all the time in order for me to do so. My dealer/friend started giving it to me for free and I even began running drugs for him.

I had no idea what I was getting myself into but at the time I believed I had everything under control…