My life is a never-ending debauchery express to hell. I feel as if Satan is on my right and left shoulder most days and the only little bit of good left inside of me is powered by an underlining ulterior motive. I know there was once a pure and beautiful young girl within, I just don’t know where I went wrong and lost who I was.
was it because my mother and father separated when I was young? or the fact that I was introduced to a world of adult perversions at the age of seven? Was it because my father had trouble expressing how he felt and thought love was something you could buy? I was tortured at school and home, most of it was mental. I was always an outcast, a misfit, a loser. I always wanted to be “normal” and to fit in. But I realized in late highschool that that was not the path I was directed in.
I began dressing differently, sneaking out and drinking alcohol at the age of 13. I hung out with people who where like me. I fit in. Although the choices this group made were negative and looked down upon by societies lowest standers I found a group I belonged in. I wasnt sure if these people I was hanging out with, or the guys I was hooking up with, truly liked me but it didn’t matter. It was the closest thing to acceptance I had ever felt and I felt good…or at least I thought I did.
The truth was I didn’t except myself. I drowned my pain and sorrow with copious amounts of alcohol and dabbled in the dark world of amphetamines. I was depressed. This was the start of my endless down hill spiral to self-destruction. I would cut myself to feel a release of tension and soon started sleeping with many random men. Sometimes six in one night. I was called horrific names and still held my head high in public, acting as if the slander and personal attacks didn’t faze me. I walked through school and I felt a thousand eyes on me. Isnt that what every teenage girl wants? isn’t that what I had wished for? Yes. But when I wished upon a star for the entire school to know who I was and to look at me while I made my way through the streets or school I pictured it to be in a much more positive light.
Although I am now an adult and no longer attend school, the rumours and actions I perform havent changed. I still hang out with the misfits, still love my drugs, still get too drunk that i cant remember my name and I still look for comfort by spreading my legs to those who don’t appreciate me. Am I destined to live my life in sin? Do I want to change? I tell myself I do but I have been lying to myself and allowing others around me to fill my head with lies my entire life. was me changing my life just a lie I have concocted or is this for real?
lonelyrecovery 